Kitchen Nightmares

Uganda has attracted a few celebrity visitors over the past couple of years. The Comic Relief team came to donate mosquito nets to those in need, Steven Fry trekked the gorillas and last year I saw a documentary where Joanna Lumley traced the Source of the Nile without ever picking up a speck of orange dust on her pristine white linen trousers. As far as I am aware though, Gordon Ramsey has yet to pay a visit. I think he could make a bumper edition of 'Kitchen Nightmares'. After the weekend's horrific breakfast experience, here is my rant, albeit with fewer expletives. 

Know your client base  
If a client enters a restaurant at 1pm on a Saturday and requests a full English breakfast, a juice, water and coffee, there is a fairly large probability that they are nursing a hangover and in need of sustenance now now! Their patience levels, therefore, may be lower than usual and excessive waiting time may induce a temporarily psychotic state of mind. At this point, it is also advisable to change the background music as a 5 track instrumental pan pipes CD on repeat can trigger feelings of despair in the customer.

Research your menu
Shakespeare famously said that 'a rose by any other name would smell as sweet', meaning that it doesn't matter what something is called. Fine for star-crossed lovers separated by old family fueds, but the same sentiment is not true of potatoes. If I order a dish containing potato wedges, I am expecting something thick chunky chips. What I am not expecting is a boiled potato cut in two. Apologising and offering to cut the potato into wedge shapes does not help at this point.

Cooking and preparation
Toast may be made from bread, but it has undergone some important irreversible chemical changes. Firstly, the colour changes to a richer, darker shade. Secondly, the texture is stiffer and crunchier and therefore a better base for baked beans or scrambled egg. Warmed bread, however, will go cold again and get increasingly soggy and does not taste good under baked beans.
Tinned mushrooms should never, ever be used. They are slimy and tasteless. If you do continue to insist on serving this evil substance, they should at least be cooked and served hot.
Likewise baked beans, bacon, sausage and egg should also be served piping hot.
If the customer orders scrambled egg, tomatoes and beans, the chance are that they do not want a Spanish omelet and bacon. Just a thought ...

Note the difference between the pale bread on the left and the golden toast on the right!

I do feel a little guilty for ranting about this, bearing in mind that the waitress and chefs are serving food they do not eat themselves. They have not grown up eating in expensive restaurants or even mid-priced coffee shops as this was. They are poorly paid, have long working hours and may not have had a whole lot of training. All the same, there are days when you just need a good fry-up!